I recently had a conversation with a female co-worker. She paid me a great compliment. She said that I was looking great and that my clothes were hanging off me. (I am between sizes. My current clothes are too loose (good feeling); the clothes I have next are a bit too small. I could venture out and purchase the in-between size, but that seems like a waste of money).
I thanked her and said that I wonder if people that do not know me look at me as a fat person wearing baggy clothes to feel thin. (Yes, when I was 430 pounds I did exactly that. It always felt good to know that as fat as I was, I could still be fatter because there was room in my clothing and that meant I was not at my worst). She looked me in the eye and said, “Todd you are starting to sound like a woman”. I laughed and said oh no, a woman in my life would have made this conversation irrationally rational. (Disclaimer: Not all women think this way; however, the women in my life seem to think this way).
I said I am a self-proclaimed, very confused expert in female irrational rationalization. I have was married for more than 21 years. In addition, I have a daughter, three sisters, a mother, three grandmothers (long story), several sisters-in-law, many nieces and nieces-in-law, aunts, and the granddaddy of irrational rationalization… I've had a mother-in-law.
You see, if we were having this same conversation and we reverse the roles, it would not end where I ended it. If I told you that, you looked great and your clothes are hanging off you, you would thank me. Then you would add exactly what I added, about wondering if people thought you were wearing baggy clothing to look and feel thinner than you are. I would then say that is a good thought and start to walk off. However, in my experience you would stop me in my tracks. You would then do this little jewelry musical-box character spin and ask me, “Do these clothes make me look fat?”
The women in my life constantly put me in this type of position. A long time ago, after my wife showered, as she was getting ready for work, she turns and asks, “Do you like my hair curly or straight?” Caramba! Every time a woman does this, she is placing this man on a sole, small rock in the middle of a vast sea, a sea where the water is actually thick, gooey, quicksand! The man quickly realizes that his only escape is a ladder that is hanging from a helicopter that this woman is controlling and it is just out of his highest leaping ability to reach. Answer wrong and there goes the helicopter and the ladder. Answer wrong, but beg for your life and maybe you get the ladder, but then get dragged and bounced off the rugged terrain as she finds a landing pad. Answer correctly and you get the ladder and worldwide peace and love. One problem… the correct answer always has a hitch. It requires that you break a commandment and take one-step closer to the fury of eternal hell. Time after time, if the man is wise he will always choose to deal with it later and hope and pray the Lord understands his decision. Unfortunately, most of us lose our wisdom in the panic of the moment and face a woman scorned or hurt.
Back to the conversation with my co-worker. Therefore, if you asked me if these baggy clothes make you look fat I would have a few different choices, all of which you would hear something completely different from what I say. She shrugged and said that is not true. I said let me give you some examples. If I say, no your baggy clothes look great and show how much weight you have lost. You respond these clothes show how fat I was. If I say, I like your baggy clothes because they make you look sexy. You respond I did not look sexy when I was heavier. If I say, I think your baggy clothes are too loose fitting and you should wear your tight clothes because it shows your curves. You respond my tight clothes show all my bulges. It is true men have selective listening. However, the women in my life have some type of replacement hearing. I say something and they hear something completely different. I love them all, but it sure makes me squirm.
Returning to my then wife’s question, I avoided for two days. Finally, being cornered and no escape in sight, she asked, “Do you like my hair curly or straight?” I like both and think you are beautiful with both. (Well done Todd, got the ladder, world peace, love and are one-step closer to the fury of eternal hell.) You are avoiding my question she added. Caramba! Look, I like both but your curly hair looks gorgeous, hot and I feel like I am out with my own little centerfold model. (I lost my wits in the panic!) You do not like my straight hair. (Oh boy.) I thought you liked my straight hair. (Crap.) I am not sexy and hot with straight hair. (Great, new expensive family photos in the near future.) I don’t look like a centerfold with straight hair. (I did not say that.) You have not liked my straight hair for 21 years. (Pretty sure, I did not say that.) Caramba! Ouch, these rocks hurt! Hey, could you please increase the altitude of the helicopter?!! Ouch!
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”
---Thomas Jefferson
The above quote is accurate for both genders. My ex-wife's cousin posted this on FB. It kind of applies to the beautiful women in my life. TH
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. Give her sperm; she will make a baby. Give her a house; she will give you a home. Give her groceries; she will give you a meal. Give her a smile; she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what she is given. So if you give... her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!...
No comments:
Post a Comment