“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” ---Kahlil Gibran
Being extremely heavy for so many years has certainly left a great many scars. Physical and emotional the extra weight and society took its toll. It is hard to adjust to people actually looking at me and paying attention to me. I am so used to being invisible and doing my best to stay invisible that I am relearning how to function. Some people that never gave me the time of day when I was over 400 pounds suddenly wave or start a conversation. Today a very attractive woman actually continually rubbed my arm while speaking to me. Okay, that action made me feel uncomfortable. I never handled that well when I was thin, shy boy and forever the gentleman. I am sure she was just being friendly, but hey; I am man and it is summer. Everyone is a bit friskier in the summer. The whole time she was doing this, all I could think about was NASA. “Houston, we have a problem. There is about to be an unauthorized launch!” Oh my heavens, I have shared way too much information. I should be embarrassed, I could be embarrassed, but I have been socially inept and do not know how to act. Thankfully, NASA successfully aborted the mission.
The scars have been helpful and hurtful. The hurtful part is when I receive criticism; I occasionally pull back and want to hide. Like days of old, I seek the cold, dark hiding places of the world. I would nurse my wounds in self-pity and closing up to the outside world. The helpful part is also when I receive criticism. I have been to the bottom of my world. I have seen up close and personal my own personal hell. There is little or nothing of value there and it is a breeding ground for misery. Having these scars has left me stronger in mind and body. Someone recently told me that I was looking good, have lost a lot of weight, but you are still fat so keep it up. The scars of past allowed me to just laugh this one off. I came upon a Preacher that I knew many years ago. We have not seen each other for two years. I waved at him and shouted hello. He did not wave or say anything. He just stared at me. After staring at me for about fifteen minutes, he approached. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, I remember you. You have lost many pounds and have lost half of your girth. I smiled and nodded. He reached out his hand and said; now that is what I am talking about Brother. You have that right, Amen Preacher.
"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with." ---Harry Crews
I'm afraid of my scars. I'm afraid the wounds are still there - festering and unable to heal. Or, even worse, what happens when new wounds show up? Things that have been buried under 200# of excess weight?
ReplyDeleteThanks for your continued openess. It makes it a little less scary to know there are others walking this path with me.
I am unqualified to address your comment. I will say that in public life, there is one that has many scars and through it all became the person they wanted to be. If she can do it, we can do it. The world knows her as Oprah.
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