Victim or Victor?

During my journey, I have constantly devoured positive, personal growth information. It has changed the way I view myself, the people around me and in general the entire world. I see the positive things in people and things more quickly than I used to. However, I also see the negative in people and things very quickly. During my decent into the 400-pound plus category, the negative comments, events and people this attracted to me, I became what my environment fed me. I became a serious victim, instead of a victor. I know a few things about being a victim as I work for the mass transit company in my state. I meet and speak with many people with the victim mentality all day long. When we are victims, we tend to blame everyone or anyone for our circumstances. We feel the world is being cruel and perhaps that someone or something owes us for the wrongs in our life. I quietly cursed that my wife and others had a faster metabolism than I did. I cursed because 14-years ago, I earned a job from a large employer in my state and when I left the corporate office to the location of the job, the manager never once looked me in the eyes. He just kept looking up and down my body and repeating we are not hiring. I informed him that the corporate office hired me for his store and this location. He said, the final decision is mine and I really do not need any more employees. I returned to the corporate office and they called him, and after speaking with him told me that, the store manager did not think I would fit in. I returned to the store and walked around for two hours and noticed that not one overweight person worked there. I cursed society and prejudice, never giving thought to the fact that my size indicated discipline and control issues. I was in full-blown victim mentality and blamed the world for my condition. I became angry as hell and the more negative experiences I encountered the more my victim mentality grew. The more my victim mentality grew, the larger my waistline grew.

I know a young man that is confined to a wheelchair and has been since early childhood. He is an adult now and he is one wonderful young man. If anyone has a right to have a victim mentality, it is someone that has had their mobility taken from them without any doing of their own. Every time I see him, I am amazed at the positive energy and independence this young man possesses. One day I was speaking with him in the course of my job with the mass transit company. We are speaking side by side, he in his wheelchair, me standing next to him. Another person approaches; it is a woman in a wheelchair. This woman is not confined to a wheelchair due to any disability, other than obesity. However, she brags about finding a physician and an attorney to sign documents to receive SSI and a wheelchair. Immediately, this woman went off on me shouting, cursing and angry about how the company and all of our employees treat her poorly. No one will get off the bus or the train and load my groceries and on and on. I stood silently, listening with a somewhat sympathetic ear, which gets less sympathetic with each foul, angry word. Suddenly, without warning the young man loudly interrupts. He looked her in the eyes and said, load your own groceries on the bus. Tie them to your chair and if you have too many, then you need other transportation methods. Busses and trains have schedules and none of the operators owes you anything. Your groceries are not their responsibility they are your responsibility. He added, take responsibility for your own life and quit expecting everyone around you to cater to you because you are in a wheelchair. Stunned and silent she drove her electric wheelchair away. The young man looked at me, apologized, and said I hope that does not get you in trouble. I smiled and said if it does; it is worth it because you just taught me a valuable lesson of life. Troy, you are one of my heroes. Through all of your life’s struggles, you have maintained a victor’s mentality. You are a man, husband, father and role model. I am proud that my tax dollars assist you with SSI and an expensive wheelchair. I am proud that in spite of your social worker’s advice you take less SSI and work a part time job to support your family. You my friend are a winner and an inspiration to me.

Two weeks ago, my ex-wife had her windows shattered and purse stolen right in front of her eyes. This is my ex-wife’s first encounter with crime and the “dark” side of society. Sadly, after 13-years with a mass transit company I have seen this dark side of society many times. My ex-wife is an extreme optimist and is always upbeat and smiling. Many people tell her that they wished they could live in “her world”. After this incident, I watched as my ex-wife’s optimism and passion for living left her. I took some time off work to make sure she was not alone and watched as for several days she did not smile, laugh or sleep. I took a proactive approach and took efforts to gather information on those that did this to her. I took her to the site of the event, walked it with her, and pointed out her mistakes. I showed her why she became a victim of crime that night. I explained that the people that did this to you have a victim mentality and they believe others owe them a living. Most likely, they are in some self-created desperate situation and looked for an easy way to remedy the situation. People with victim mentality never utilize introspection to see that their problems are self-inflicted. Do not dwell on this experience and let it destroy your optimism. This world is full of wrongs, but it is filled with things right and wonderful as well. We will be diligent and attentive in the future, but do not develop a victim mentality. You are the one responsible for this. You came back to this location in the dark with no security measures in place. You could have and should have avoided this place entirely. Do not get angry, sad or lose your passion for living. Accept the fact that you messed up, learn from it and move on. Yes, this should be a safe place and you are entitled to go where ever and when ever you want, but society does have a dark side. We must be diligent in making sure we take all precautions necessary to remain outside of environments that can assist this dark side in thriving.

I was more than 430 pounds less than two years ago. I did it, not society or any other outside influence. Yes, many people and events fueled the fire, perhaps even started it and my victim mentality grew along with my negativity and weight. I created my problem and now I must solve my problem. We are all born to be victors; it is our responsibility to remain victors. Last night on the local-news, a young woman that was abused by multiple males that lived with her mother is now leading a program to assist abused children in recovery. She has made the transition from victim to victor and is helping others do the same. If she can do it, if Troy can do it; then I certainly can and must do it. I desire to be a victor and take responsibility for my life. I desire my children to do the same. I, we, you can overcome our difficulties and transition from victim to victor.


Waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel?
Well stride down there and light the damn
thing yourself! ---Samantha O'Connor

"The buck stops here!" ---Harry S. Truman