Mutiny

It was November 5, 1988; I stood in front of a large group of people. Sweating, bleeding and exchanging vows. I was more nervous than anytime in my life. I knew I loved her, but marriage, extended parents, sickness and health. I nearly passed out. A few months later, I realized that everything would be fine and that I was still king of my world. I know this because when I filed my tax return the IRS made me check the box that read, “Head of household filing jointly.” Yes, I realized I was Captain of this vessel.

Twenty-one years and two labor-intensive births later, I am convinced the IRS really does not know much at all. I recently looked at Turbo Tax and nowhere is there a box that reflects my current position. If they did have a more accurate assessment of my situation, it would read, “Least influential member of household, responsible for financial obligations and legal implications filing jointly.”

When I began this journey, I gathered the crew and instructed them that we could no longer purchase or stock junk food. The crew agreed and we set sail for a challenging and glorious journey to thin land. The only snacks allowed will be the 100-calorie packs. This will manage portion control and keep a snack binge to minimal damage. If one does have a snack-seizure and attack the snacks like a beast out of control, it requires more effort as each bag is small. Such a snack-seizure could lead to anger and guilt as you see the six opened, emptied bags on the table. Fortunately, the damage is only six-hundred calories. The anger and guilt could lead to a protein drink two-day recovery period. Certainly, I have never done this. I am only saying it could happen… to someone else… somewhere else… with a different name.

Imagine my shock when I recently opened the pantry door and family-size bags of Doritos, Pretzels and Fritos slapped me in the face. I quickly slammed the door shut. The vitamin cupboard always contains protein bars I will go there. Instantly my eyes focused on two huge bars of chocolate. It is the more expensive type with bits of toffee and almonds. Everyone knows this is the most effective anti-depressant drug on the earth and nearly as addictive as oxycontin. I slammed the door and left for a walk.

Upon returning from my walk, my ex-wife was visiting in the kitchen. Her back to me, I asked where the chips and chocolate came from. Her response was intoxicatingly slurred. It sounded as though she said that the kids wanted and demanded it. I asked her what was wrong with her mouth. Again, more intoxicated slurred speech. I asked her to turn around. I asked her to open her mouth. It was full of chocolate! The kids demanded it I repeated. Then why are you eating it?

“Look Todd, you are the one that has told the kids every month to tread lightly because a demon has come for a short visit.”

Are you telling me that you went on a junk food shopping spree because of your menstrual cycle?

(Hoy, I wish life; much like television had a five-second delay. This would allow me to quickly press the mute button before my words arrived at their intended audience. Certainly could have worded that better to the mother of my children. However, I am man and I rarely think before I speak.)

I cannot really share what she said next. However, I have confirmation my once angelic, beautiful, forgiving; gentle, non-foul ex-wife is occasionally in the firm grasp of a demon. Her comment started with “You Know”. It is my life experience that when a woman, any woman, starts her comment off with “You know” it is not going to be pleasant. The best thing to do is zip it shut, duck and cover. When a glorious, beautiful mountain becomes an angry, violent volcano, your best action is to let it vent. Interfering with this venting process can lead to a full-blown eruption and the complete annihilation of the glorious mountain and devour all the manions, I mean minions below. The final word of her comment is not a bad stand-alone word “hole”.

Quietly, I hide in the dark with keyboard at my knees. Watching, listening, and anxiously waiting for the naturally occurring exorcism that will occur in three or four days. Until then kids, remain cloaked and tread lightly for she may return. :-)

Above, I tease and make fun of my ex-wife with her permission. It is no coincidence that my daughter's school project on heroes is about her Mother. This woman taught me the gift of forgiveness, including forgiving myself.

"In loneliness, in sickness, in confusion-the mere knowledge of friendship makes it possible to endure, even if the friend is powerless to help. It is enough that they exist. Friendship is not diminished by distance or time, by imprisonment or war, by suffering or silence. It is in these things that it roots most deeply. It is from these things that it flowers."
-Pam Brown