This entry may be a little harsh for some, so please be warned that I am going to share some graphic things I experienced this past week. The counselor my company requested I visit with recommended I share it.
"While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die -- whether it is our spirit, our creativity or our glorious uniqueness." ---Gilda Radner
Two weeks ago I had the misfortune of witnessing a man take his life. It is the seventh violent death I have witnessed in my life, but the first that was voluntary. One cannot adequately prepare you for such a scene. It is as shocking of a moment as I can possibly imagine. It is not a war scene where the people next to you are killed in a foxhole or a roadside bomb explodes. This was a peaceful, beautiful fall morning where my guard was down and my spirit was euphoric.
Everything seemed normal and the Train I was operating was running well. I was traveling in a 55 mph zone and I was approximately thirty seconds behind my schedule. The many gauges and controls were functioning properly and it was a very smooth, uneventful trip. The very type of trip you appreciate when you operate a train. Normally, I would pass the Southbound train five blocks North of where we were about to pass. I guess this would be both a blessing and a curse. You see if I were running right on schedule my train would end this man’s life. Instead, my thirty-second delay would place me in the position of viewing it in its entirety.
Approaching a less busy intersection in an industrial area with both trains headed towards one another on tracks running parallel to each other. Looking ahead, I see that all the crossing gates, alarms and lights are working properly and the signal to proceed is showing I began to scan the area around the gates. There were a few cars stopped behind the gates and I notice a very bright blue. This blue is a coat or jacket that a pedestrian is wearing. No big deal as everything looked normal and they looked to be waiting for the trains to pass. The Southbound train headed towards me would reach the intersection before my train. I noticed this train had their warning lights flashing and the gong or bell would be sounding as well as they are simultaneous.
I looked back at the pedestrian and I watched as he walked very quickly onto the alignment (tracks). I thought to myself he was crazy for trying to cross before the trains passed, however impatient people do it all the time, risking their lives to save a few seconds. However, I did not see him cross both tracks and because of poles between the tracks I lost sight of him for a few seconds. I wondered if he crossed. Maybe he went back to where he came from. Once I cleared the area of the poles blocking my view, I immediately noticed the blue jacket. He looked to be standing on or slightly towards the middle of the tracks. The Southbound train heading towards his location at 55 mph was approximately only 100 feet away.
Then suddenly to my shock, he quickly moved directly into the path of the southbound train. No time to radio the other train, the entire episode of entering and positioning himself was just a matter of seconds. The impact would bounce him off the train and onto the track. He would bounce twice off the track and back up, having impact with the train again. The third impact with the train would throw him towards the center or towards my track. Immediately, when the first impact took place I went into hard braking. My train would stop approximately 45 to 65 feet from his final position.
Immediately, I knew this was a fatal scene by the manner in which his body lay and how he was thrown to where he lay. Following company and Federal policy, I did all that I was expected to do, albeit shaking and somewhat shocked. I did much of the radio communication as the other operator was in a bit more shock. I looked at this man, broken, twisted and laying peacefully there in the rocks. My thoughts immediately turned to what brought a man to this point. What in his life brought him to the point that he forfeited the most amazing gift of life?
I will not judge this man for doing what he did. I am curious as to why he did what he did. When I learned his age during debrief, I was a bit surprised. He moved rather quickly and I learned he was 86 years of age. Perhaps he found he had a terminal disease. Maybe he lost the love of his life. Perhaps he was just lonely and depressed.
How many lives could he influence if he took a different course? Instead of ending his life, what if he volunteered and took joy and happiness to those lacking. He had an amazing opportunity to make children feel special. A lifetime of experience to share with a lonely friend he had yet to meet. Even if terminal, the most amazing lesson and experience I have had was losing a great friend to cancer. My friend turned down medication for pain until six days before death. He wanted to be coherent when his friends and relatives would visit during his final days. He laughed, joked and kept a positive attitude until the end. In his final day, he shared with me that he did not mind dying, but hated the fact that he was leaving his wife. In the end, his body gave out, while his mind was still bright, active and wanting to live on. He taught me more about life, love and selflessness in death than I have learned from anyone living.
Life is a gift to us all. It is not always easy, nor is it void of pain and suffering. We all experience a broken heart, a lonely time, and feelings of despair. There are times when we all wonder if it is worth it. I consider myself extremely blessed. I love a wonderful woman, have a beautiful home and I am blessed to share my life with amazing children. Many people, like myself have suffered from two decades of obesity and the prejudice that comes with that condition. Many have experienced a broken heart and cruelty that I pray no other should experience. Many of us have had our amazing children taken from us for at least 50% of their young lives. Many have experienced financial collapse and ruin. Many have lost a best friend to cancer. Many have experienced abusive and cruel behavior from some of the most hurtful people we have ever met. We are not special, nor are we above average. We are simply people that understand one thing about all of our experiences. That nothing we have experienced is equal to that which one man experienced. Whipped, beaten, cursed, spat upon, wrapped in thorns, nailed and displayed on a cross for the masses. We are people of faith. If you have faith and in times of despair, if you lean on that faith and with a humble heart ask for guidance, it will come. In fact, it will carry you through it and to a better, more fruitful life.
Life is a gift and our free agency allows us to choose what we do with it. I wish that two weeks ago Monday a certain man of 86 years would have looked at the trains headed towards him and realized one thing. He has an amazing gift to share and lift others to a higher calling in life. No matter what ailed him, he had the power and strength to overcome it through faith.
"I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have and that is life itself." ---Walter Anderson
"You have the duty and gift of living. You don't have the right to sit on the sidelines-use your life and get back into the game." ---Phillip McGraw
Bless you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteStacy