Gone Missing and Self-Doubt

 JULIET
 O think'st thou we shall ever meet again? 

 ROMEO
 I doubt it not; and all these woes shall serve
 For sweet discourses in our time to come.

I actually had to search for my own blog.  It has been awhile since I posted here.  Much has gone on in my life in recent months, some great and some not so great.  Overall, it has been the most wonderful thing each of us is blessed with, living a life.

This past summer was a good summer filled with fun times, great friends and wonderful memories.  It was great to spend a great deal more time with my wife and children during the summer.  I had the great opportunity to attend my High School Reunion where I reconnected with many wonderful friends of the past.  I really did have a great time.

Sadly, as my last post indicates, my Father passed away this past summer as well.  My Mother is still feeling the deep sense of loss and loneliness following a sixty-year marriage.  I am in awe of their ability to keep their marriage together for so long, something I will never experience.  Unless, I manage to live to be 106 years-old and my wife does not toss me out.

I took on a new job.  I decided to return to Rail Road and earned my Locomotive Engineer’s License.  It is a fun job, albeit somewhat stressful.  I have never experienced in my life a stressful moment like that which comes with the controls of a train and a human placing themselves in front of that train by accident or by design.  The Engineer does all they can to preserve that person’s life, but in the end, the Engineer is really just a spectator to a horrific event.
 
I started a hobby.  This hobby is a great deal of fun for me.  I have to be careful because I could completely spend too much time with this hobby.  Truth be told, I wish it were a career more than a hobby.  This hobby consumed the time that I used to spend on this blog.  I wrote a complete screenplay using a logline that was created for a contest.  This tested my creativity and story telling abilities.  Hearing a logline for the first time and then creating an entire story and screenplay from that logline is challenging.  The logline is a short sentence or phrase explaining the screenplay or movie. 

“A 17th Century tale of adventure on the Caribbean Sea where the roguish yet charming Captain Jack Sparrow joins forces with a young blacksmith in a gallant attempt to rescue the Governor of England’s daughter and reclaim his ship” … Pirates of the Caribbean.   

The above logline is what the screenplay writers used to write or describe the movie.  Many times writers or aspiring writers have an idea about a movie and have mapped out the details in their minds for years.  When someone provides a logline for you, it is not something you have worked on or thought of and this is where you find if you really have any talent as a writer.  It was challenging and a great deal of fun.
 
I have learned that I am not nearly as thick-skinned as I would like to be.  I have shown only two people and both really liked my screenplay.  One of those is a Film Director and they have encouraged me to market this and see if it can be sold.  My thoughts on the matter are it was an excellent training and education.  Self-doubt is a killer of many dreams and denies the world of many great experiences. 
 

“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”   …Sylvia Plath

Today my imagination was stirred when I was visiting my Mother and watched a program with her called “The Chew”.  On this episode, an actor named Andrew McCarthy was on the cooking segment.  The Chef was telling the audience about Andrew’s newest job of writing segments for National Geographic Travel and other writing jobs for traveling the world.  The Chef asked Andrew if he had gone to school or obtained great amounts of education in obtaining the new job.  Andrew said that he simply discovered he had a passion for traveling and writing.  Following what he did for his acting passion, he found a way to turn his passion into an income.  He is now paid for doing what he loves.  Andrew McCarthy, job well done for pursuing your passions that ultimately leads to people’s enjoyment.  May we all learn to be so bold and brave to follow our passions and dreams.  

"It's heartbreaking to see so many people trapped in a web of enforced idleness, deep debt, and gnawing self-doubt"   ...William J. Clinton

"Self-doubt kills talent"   ...Edie McClurg

"I found my first novel difficult. I don't want to make it sound like it's any more difficult than driving a cab or going to any other job, but there are so many opportunities for self-doubt, that you just kind of need to soldier on"   ...Anthony Doerr

Father Laid To Rest

"I never had a speech from my father 'this is what you must do or shouldn't do' but I just learned to be led by example. My father wasn't perfect."   ---Adam Sandler

 

http://www.funeralrecording.com/index.cfm?pageid=172&lid=3793

 

Patrick Jay Hurley Sr.  05/13/1930 - 08/21/2012

 

 

 

Many people assist in the shaping and molding of our lives.  There is none more influential than our parents are.  Good or bad, our parents play a vital role in the person we become.  The amazing and daunting thing about being a parent is realizing that everything we do or do not do is a lesson to our children. 

Looking back on my childhood, I have many wonderful and amazing memories.  My mother was and is a saint.  Nearly every compassionate bone in my being is a direct result of my mother’s unconditional love, kindness, charity and gentleness.  My father was a great person, albeit rough around the edges.  Looking back at my life with him, I have many fond memories.

Sadly, my relationship with my father was lacking due to one troublesome character trait.  My father had a very foul temper at times.  I am not the only one that had to endure this temper, but all six of my siblings and my mother as well.  Speaking for myself only, once I reached my teenage years I never felt completely at ease around my father.  He did not abuse me or physically harm me in any way.  Just those angry, foul and loud rare occasions left their mark.  Even when my father became very weak and frail, he occasionally lost it, taking my right back to the frightened child I was during those moments.  An uncomfortable feeling would engulf me.    

Amazingly, these rare occasions also contained valuable lessons for me.  Every time I get angry with my children, I remember my childhood and this helps me be more patient and more understanding.  In my father’s defense, I have been told he had it much worse than I did as a child. 

My father had a difficult childhood and unlike me, never really had a support line.  His father abandoned him, his mother and siblings.  My father literally had to carve his own way in life without anyone assisting him.  Every time in my life when I have fallen on my butt, my parents were there to pick me up, dust me off and send me on my way.  My father had no such support.  He succeeded or he failed, but he was the one that picked himself up.  He did this with a wife and seven children.  Amazingly, he did not fail much.  I never remember a time when we were ever in need or lacking in all the things required for a wonderful life. 

My father was fearless and carved out his life with gusto.  I had the awesome experience of traveling to Mexico many, many times with my father.  The man simply was fearless.  No matter what obstacles he faced in a foreign land, he pushed through them, all the while not knowing the language spoken.  I remember one such trip with my father.  I was a teenager and we were pulled over in Mexico by law enforcement.  It was a simple traffic violation of speeding slightly.  The officer did not speak English and we did not speak Spanish.  He made my father get out of the car and it looked as though he was making him get into the police car.  My father looked at me and I am sure all kinds of thoughts rushed through his head.  He looked at the officer and then reached into his wallet and handed the officer a twenty-dollar bill.  I was extremely frightened at that sight.  The officer smiled, took the twenty and shook my father’s hand.  The officer then proceeded to give us an escort to the location we were headed. 

So many stories and experiences are positive.  My father was a very good man.  I know that my father loved my mother, my siblings and me.  My brother and I spoke at his service today and it shall once again be one of the fond moments of my experience with my father.  Mother should you ever read this, I love you and I am deeply saddened for your loss.  Sixty years you were by my father’s side and for the past five years, you cared for him, many times on your own.  You are a saint and Patrick hit the lottery when he found you.  Father, I thank you from the deepest, most sincere part of my soul.  I heard and learned all that you had to teach.  Those harsh times and harsh moments… water under the bridge.  I will miss you. 

"Harsh words of the past replaced with gentle tears on his face. A final breath breathed, then a still, silent heart. Many lessons taught, some very good and a few were very bad. Through it all though, I was a damn lucky lad, for in today's world I was one of the few with a supportive Dad."   ---Todd Hurley   

 

The Garbot Principle

 

"We can't reach old age by another man's road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you."   ---Mark Twain

I heard a talk recently about a life principle in which the speaker referred to as the Garbot Principle.  I thought it had an odd ring to it and when I learned that his teenage daughter coined the phrase, it made sense. 

The speaker spoke of his daughter when she was a young child, saying she never threw anything away.  Year after year, her bedroom would be so cluttered because she would not allow anyone to throw out her old toys or clothes.  It reminded me of the person that suffers from hoarding.  A hoarder can have a very difficult life.  However, this child was not really a hoarder, but more along the lines of a recycler. 

As this young girl grew into her teenage years, she was an exceptionally creative person.  She excelled at decorating and clever with crafts.  Her imagination would bring a great smile to her parents.

One afternoon she came to her parents and told them she was working on a project and needed complete privacy in the workshop area.  They allowed her this privacy.  Several weeks later, she came to them with a concealed box and said her project was inside.  Excitedly, she asked them if they would like to see her creation.  Of course, they wanted to see what their inventive teenager had created.  After opening the box, she pulled out a Robot.  Their daughter had constructed a robot and it looked eerily familiar to them.  The excited teenager informed them that she made this robot entirely from the garbage out of the trashcan and named it appropriately Garbot.  They realized it looked familiar because many of the parts of this robot came from the garbage they discarded from their lives.  They were thrilled with her creativity.

Jumping ahead a few years her Mother was assisting her in cleaning her room.  Because she recycles so many things, she often had clutter.  This time something was different, the smell in her room was awful.  They continued to clean the room and the smell remained.  Finally, the room clean, the smell remaining, her Mother looked under the bed.  There hiding under the bed was a bag.  Her Mother pulled the bag out from under the bed and revealed a trash bag that the young woman had taken from the family trashcan.  It was the source of the smell.  Both of her parents asked her why she would do such a thing.  They asked why she would retrieve trash and place it in her bedroom.  Her answer was that inside the trash bag were valuable items, not all of them were worthy of becoming trash and so lightly discarded.  Her belief is that among the trash were items of great value.

Her Father took several days to reflect upon her comments.  In the days to come, he would talk to her about the Garbot Principle.  This principle is keeping the harmful trash in our lives because we believe hidden among the trash are items of value.  He explained that even something of value, if laden with harmful trash can destroy a life.  He taught his daughter that the Garbot Principle goes way beyond trash and recycling.  It applies to all areas of our lives.  The food we eat, the music we listen to, the movies we watch, the beverages we drink, even the language we use.  He explained that almost everything that is trash has some value; however, it also has the ability to destroy our lives.  The worst food we can eat has nutrition in it.  Sugar cereals add vitamins and minerals to make the trashy cereal have value.  Movies with great messages are cluttered with nudity or foul language.  The examples he mentioned were many. 

So many things in our lives that actually have harmful repercussions, we hold onto because we see something of value.  I know as I examine my own life that there are so many things that I continue to keep in my life because I see something of such small value.  I do not want to admit that the bulk of these things are actually more harmful than good.  The Garbot Principle is to let go of harmful things, habits and behaviors regardless of some value if the majority of it is trash. 

"You may be able to get away with bad habits 10 times. But all it takes is one time and the law of averages catches up with you."   ---Jay Ofsanik

 

 

"The unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones."   ---W. Somerset Maugham

          

A Simple Thought

I read this thought the other day and I thought I would share it.

"If you are not moving towards something you want or desire, everything you want or desire is moving away from you."

Our Dreams Expire

 

"All our dreams can come true...if we have the courage to pursue them."   ---Walt Disney

I have been AWOL for a while.  Actually, I have been very busy and much of that has been writing.  Well, there has been a great deal of athletic events with my kids.  Four days per week, I have found myself at a park cheering or practicing with my children in various sports.  My writing time that was devoted to my blog, for the most part, has been devoted to pursuing my desires or dreams if you will.

I thought I would break away from that writing to share something that really left an impression with me.  First, let me take you back a few years to 19 cough, cough, 87.  I was in college and among the classes I was taking were creative writing, screenplay writing and film classes.  Seriously, I never envisioned myself as a George Lucas or Steven Spielberg, but I was fascinated with the process.  It was a fools dream, but a dream nonetheless. 

A few weeks ago, I decided to take a course where I would work with a Director/Writer for six weeks.  I discovered it would be a one-on-one course and I would have the Instructor’s undivided attention.  The day before I went to my first session, I read about a Worldwide Screenplay Contest. 

I listened and answered questions during my first session and he asked me my experience.  I was hesitant and shy about it.  I looked him in the eyes and said that I took a few classes almost 25 years ago.  He looked a bit shocked; I think he thought I would be a bit more experienced.  That first session was spent reading a screenplay he wrote and he would question my knowledge of the terms and formatting.  Obviously, a few things have changed and honestly, I have forgotten many things.

Near the end of the session, he suggested that I work on writing a screenplay of my own and each week we would work on it.  He said he wanted five pages of screenplay done every week to bring to class.  We would read them together and learn as I write.  Kind of like earning while, you are learning, minus the money.  He asked what I wanted to write about in my screenplay.  I told him I have no idea.  I told him of the contest where they give you a tagline and you write a feature length screenplay based on the tagline.  He asked what the tagline was.  “A soldier returns from serving 18-months at war, to discover his home and address do not exist.”  He thought it sounded interesting and urged me to bring five pages by next week’s class.

I was excited to be writing and taking this class.  The next class arrives and I sit down in his office.  He asks me if I got my five pages of homework finished and I answered yes.  I opened a folder and handed him my work.  He looked at it and looked back at me confused.  He said this is not five pages.  I answered, no sir, it is twenty-five pages.  He smiled and said well; let me see what you have here.  He began to read.  That is the most difficult part for me, letting others read and review my work.  My skin is as thin as an oversized chewing gum bubble.

He is quietly reading and I want to hide.  I am feeling very uncomfortable and wished that I could leave.  Then something weird happened.  As he reads my screenplay, I hear him whisper to himself.  I looked closely at his face and I could tell he was envisioning the scenes, as he would set them up as a Director.  I suddenly hear him say, ‘What a Dick” and his head gently shook back and forth in a “no” fashion.  I could not believe my eyes and ears.  Here is a person that has directed more than 15 Films and written over 30 Screenplays and he was visualizing my screenplay as a movie.

 

"At first, dreams seem impossible, then improbable, and eventually inevitable."   ---Christopher Reeve

When he finished reading my twenty-five pages, he sets it aside and asks me two questions.  He asks, you have never written a screenplay before.  I answer no.  He asks you have never worked in the film industry before.  I answer no.  He says Todd this is excellent.  You have a gift, it needs work, but you have a gift.  He added 90% of Film School graduates and aspiring writers do not have what you have.  The majority of these people know format and technique like you cannot believe.  However, they do not have the ability to tell a story.  That is what makes a successful screenplay is telling a good story.  If a director, producer or actor reads or is pulled into a great story it greatly increases the chances of that screenplay being made into a movie.  Todd, your formatting and technique are lagging, but your story telling is spot on.  Well done, I cannot wait to read more next week.

I was on a very big high that night.  However, I still believe it is a fools dream at best.  I am having a great time writing, learning and creating.  It has awakened all my senses.  It has given me a direction to focus and move towards in building my dreams.  I believe that the journey of working towards those dreams improves our lives most.  It is not necessarily capturing those dreams. 

Then a few nights ago, I read a story about a man who wrote about dreams having an expiration date.  He got a call that his Mother was in the Emergency Room and needed life saving surgery.  He raced to the hospital just as his Mother was wheeled into the operating room.  As he waited at the hospital, he reflected on his life as a child and his Mother’s life.  His Mother had given her all to her husband and children.  She had always put everyone else before herself.  He remembered her saying what she had always wanted to do.  When he would ask her why she does not do it, she would reply that as soon as you kids are grown.  Then after the kids were grown, she said as soon as your father retires.  Then it became the grandchildren and helping while us, (her children) pursued our dreams.  She did just that, assisted us with our children as we struggled financially to finish school and pursue our dreams.

This man writes, my Mother always taught us we are never too old to pursue our dreams.  No, we are not.  There is an old saying that we are not old until our regrets have replaced our dreams.  No, we are never too old to pursue our dreams and we should never give up on them.  However, at this very minute I realize that our dreams have an expiration date.  If my Mother does not survive this ordeal, her dreams will expire.  They will go unrealized without pursuit.  My Mother is in excellent condition and yet she is fighting for her life at this very moment.

My dear friends our dreams and desires do have expiration dates.  None of us knows exactly how long we have left in this life.  Each day we let pass without action, even if assisting others, puts us at risk of never pursuing our dreams or desires.  Even if just for a few minutes per day, the pursuit enlivens our senses.  We may not capture those dreams but the journey alone improves our lives in ways we cannot even imagine.  The longest journey begins with a single small step.  Take the journey and one small step at a time... pursue your dreams and desires.   

      

"When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life"   ---Greg Anderson

 

"Dreams get you into the future and add excitement to the present."   ---Robert Conklin

 

"I've continued to recognize the power individuals have to change virtually anything and everything in their lives in an instant. I've learned that the resources we need to turn our dreams into reality are within us, merely waiting for the day when we decide to wake up and claim our birthright."   ---Anthony Robbins

 

"There is hope in dreams, imagination, and in the courage of those who wish to make those dreams a reality."   ---Jonas Salk

 

 

 

Will You Marry Me

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."   ---Brandi Snyder

Today I had a rather amusing experience regarding someone’s engagement.  A young woman I have known for a few years, but have not looked upon for about eighteen months visited me today.  This young woman is now twenty years of age.  She always has a smile and a positive attitude.  Those two traits go very far with me.

During our conversation, she suddenly flashed her left hand.  Almost bursting with excitement, she blurts out the following.  Do you see anything different about my hand?  I respond that is a rather nice ring.  Again, bursting with joy she explains it is her engagement ring.

During the next twenty minutes she would go on and on about her fiancé, their pending marriage and how excited she is about getting married.  When she finished explaining it all to me, she asks if I will come to the wedding.  I respond with absolutely!  I would love to come to your wedding and meet your husband.  I end the conversation by asking when they are getting married so I can mark my calendar.  It took all I had not to spit out my gum in laughter when I heard her response.

We are getting married in the summer of 2017!

That is a precious moment in life.  Her heart pure, her mind and thoughts sincere.

"She walks in Beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes: Thus mellow'd to that tender light Which heaven to gaudy day denies."   ---Lord Byron

 

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."   ---Dr. Seuss or Robert Fulghum  (I have found several people being credited for this quote.)

Odds, Ends and Observations

"This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it." ---Ralph Waldo Emerson  

Time

 I have noticed that there simply are not enough hours in a day. I am amazed how some people make it look like there are 100 hours per day, while others, like me; make it look like there are 10. We all have the same amount of time every day, yet some people get an enormous amount of things done. Perhaps it comes down to organization and a list of daily goals.  

"There is no fate that plans men's lives. Whatever comes to us, good or bad, is usually the result of our own action or lack of action." ---- Herbert N. Casson  

Weight Loss

Weight loss is a lifetime endeavor. This is especially true for someone that once topped 430+ pounds on the scale. I continue to lose a few, gain a few, and lose a few. The more important thing right now for me is to be happy, confident and active. I am very excited that I have lost nearly 200 pounds and my life is vastly different and more exciting than it was three years ago. Still, I have a goal to lose a good chunk of this remaining weight before my High School Reunion in August. Yes, it is the famous hurry up and get skinny before you see all your pals from your teenage years. Now, if only I could afford hair transplants, lasik and a little botox. =)

"He who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do it a second and a third time till at length it becomes habitual." ---Thomas Jefferson  

Friends

I have some of the best friends a person could have. However, one very dear friend has decided that I am really not all that great. Shocking, I know… right? =) Truthfully, it is the same friend mentioned in an earlier post. We kind of restarted the friendship only to hit some rough waters and then he blew my ship to kingdom come with a firestorm I shall never forget. Odd, how someone you thought was your best friend could find the anger to unleash the foulest, harsh, hurtful and resonating words you have ever experienced. Yes, I did something that I should not have trying to help my friend. It is a valuable lesson learned. Not everyone in our lives is ready for or desires our assistance. Sometimes, people need to take their own journey alone. In addition, I have learned that no matter how bad things become in our lives that honesty and integrity rule. I am no exception and must always remember this.

 "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." ---Drew Carey 
"Sex is only a three letter word so how can it be dirty?" ---Erma Bombeck  

Sex

Wow! Who knew? =)  

"There are people who have money and people who are rich." ---Coco Chanel  

Money

 I need a money tree or printing press like the Government seems to have. There always seems to be far more month than money. My list of wants is huge. My list of needs is few. Perhaps a class in curbing desires is in order.  

"When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life." ---Greg Anderson  

Dreams

The person that pursues their dreams and has an active plan is the person I admire most. Dreams come in all forms and are different for each of us. Pursuing ones dreams ignites a passion that is difficult to extinguish and spreads to other areas of life. Next week, I will be working with a Director/Writer in a one on one course to learn and absorb all I can about writing screenplays. This has been a secret desire I have had since college. I am grateful for the opportunity and look forward to the next six weeks as we work together. =)  

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." ---Erma Bombeck  

Kids

I love them. I love mine most, but love them all. My kids brighten my day and make me smile. When they are in their beds at my home all feels right in the world. When they are not here, I have some anxiety and sadness. Divorce is difficult for a person that feels so deeply for their children. My amazing son is being harassed at his school and I approached his mother about coming to my home for school. We have an amazing situation for my son. He would excel here and have a network of friends that would create a lifetime of childhood fondness. His mother said no with no explanation offered. Does not surprise me, she is not the woman I once knew. I will always look at her with fondness and I try to focus on all the wonderful memories of our marriage, but moments when our child is clearly struggling and she cannot find the selflessness to give him the freedom he desires wears on us all. She has allowed him to participate in sports here and for that I am extremely grateful. When we are alone together, she seems like the woman I knew and loved for so many years. As soon as someone comes around, her demeanor changes and she becomes rude, impatient and accusatory. I will leave that to the more educated out there to figure that one out.  

"I married beneath me, all women do." ---Nancy Astor  

Anniversary

 I celebrated my one-year anniversary to my beautiful wife last week. It has been a year of growth. It was a year not void of challenges. We dated for four short months and married quickly. She had two children, I had two children and we all came together quickly. My wife is an amazing woman. She is one of those that seem to have 100 hours per day. She has organized me. I love her deeply and I am so grateful for her. She has so much love to offer. My children adore her, as do I. We experienced economic challenges, as have many. My wife is not one to ask for assistance and works harder than anyone I know. She simply amazes me and I am a very fortunate man. =)  

"Summer afternoon, summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language." ---Henry James

Summer

The brown, lifeless grass and trees make way for brilliant shades of green. Brilliant blossoms of color show their glory and proudly wave to the world. The warm air gently caresses our skin and seems to make the human body look and feel more attractive. The mood seems to take on a sense of celebration and party. Weekends become great adventures as we all try to pack a week of activities into two days. No matter if, the adventure takes away from home or takes place in our own backyard, summer is magical. Summer makes humanity more attractive and vibrant.  

"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is a beauty, admire it. Life is a dream,realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game,play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, singit. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure,dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is life, fight for it!" ---Mother Teresa